


Just a pastime

by ElectricViola



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, aot, snk - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Dubious Consent, F/M, Guilt, Kinks, M/M, Masochism, Masturbation, Maybe - Freeform, Mutual Masturbation, Penetration, Rape/Non-con Elements, Regression, Repression, Sadism, Sex, Smut, This is me, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threesome, Violence, really weird kinks..., supression, this is my life, this will not be a happy story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-16 01:10:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2250249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricViola/pseuds/ElectricViola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody knew, she thought, nobody but her: what men can turn into when they've got a woman by the hair.<br/>And it suited her perfectly.<br/>Oh, so perfectly, damnably well.<br/>Repression is not a healthy mechanism, but it was a thing ingrained into her since birth.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Under the surface

**Author's Note:**

> it will be slow, and it will be brutal.  
> this is not for happy people.  
> i am not sure whether to expect any sort of response, because i am sick and twisted.  
> if you read this please do not feel inspired by my story; i implore you not to try anything at home. i have destroyed enough things in my two decades of life, and i have potentially set out to break more.  
> Please do not be afraid of telling me off if i've done something wrong in the tags! If you've got any comments about the story too, I'd be very happy to read them.  
> The story is fully drafted out, and i have every intention of finishing it.

She was depraved.

Nobody knew, nobody but him.

He was no better himself. And it was her he had picked to set himself free, late at night in his quarters, in the dead hour when nobody could hear her scurried footsteps or witness her dark form moving stealing through the hallways like a shadow as she made her way to his room. She never called upon him. It was always him who called her. Like a pet. He had picked her, or maybe she had picked him, because there was something sacred, something twisted, that they had in common.

From the first discovery of the workings of her cunt, she had felt a hot flash of pleasure when she pinched her own skin and twisted her own nipples, holding back her cries of passion so she wouldn't awaken her brother who slept in the lower bunk, mere feet below. And here she was now, holding back a whimper as he carefully slid a thin metal bar, thin as a needle, into the slit of her nipple. It was cold, and when it pierced the stiff, dusky skin it made her cunt tighten, and ache, as if in an attempt to relieve and inflame her.

The metal was cool. But his face was cooler still. His aloof manner made her heart thrum like nothing else, but she didn't dare steal more than a few short peaks at him at a time. He was fully erect, and judging from his expression he didn't seem to be aware of it pressing on her naked thigh. It felt thick and warm, even through his trousers.

She thought his rapt attention on her breast—the intensely focused glacial eyes and one large, masculine hand holding it up a little so he could see better as he inserted this newly discovered instrument of pleasure—would have made her skitter away in bashfulness mere months ago. But he had robbed her of her shame, and shown her a world of pleasure and pain and she never wanted to leave. Her own nudity before his fully dressed form still made her redden and intensify that burning pit in her belly. She wondered if the decency in her might not be all gone, after all. Still lurking in her bouts of shy flushes.

With the detached professional air, he could have been a good doctor, she thought. He should have been a doctor. Or something nice, something safe. Any profession would have been better than what they did. But then again, maybe then he would not have had the chance to fuck her.

But maybe he would have. She suspected a power kink in him. It takes one to know one.

When the metal was fully inserted inside her, he released her and tilted his head to focus on the other breast. There was that maddening flash of pleasure and pain again as her skin was pierced. Millimetre by millimetre, he pushed it in. Her body was swaying, chest heaving when he released her, and she twisted her fingers in his hair and whimpered to show him what he was doing to her.

He didn't flip her around the bed the way he liked to fuck her, no. He was enough in control of himself not to apply pressure to her chest; he'd warned her this could be a dangerous kink he had introduced her to. But he pushed her shoulders until she lay back. Leaning over her with a hand beside her head and a hand releasing himself from his trousers, he pressed his mouth to hers, warm and soft.

“Spread your legs, c'mon,” he breathed, and she refused him with a coquettish look on her face until he took her knees in hand and pushed them apart. She caught sight of his erection for a second; hard, veiny, and massive.

He pushed it inside her body with a grunt. She suddenly needed to turn her face away— _there it is again_ , she thought with some sense of comfort, _my sense of shame_ —but his hand firmly set her head straight by the hair. It felt good, being parted from the inside by his thickness and impossible length, and she let him know that by humming. He sheathed himself in to the hilt. It hurt, as it always did. But not enough. “Come on,” she begged with her soft voice. “Fuck me, fuck me hard...”

His thrusts gained speed, her voice a higher pitch and his grunts a lower, intense quality.

The sound of his pleasure was intoxicating. It carried her into that place, her favourite place, the one without a conscience or a sense of right and wrong... But then his chest rubbed against her nipple needles the wrong way and the flash of pain reminded her, yes, _yes, this is my punishment, and it feels good!_ She embraced the sharp stab, the wicked spiral of pleasure as she moaned like slut in heat until he pulled out and she was shaken back into the cruel reality of things.

Looking down at her with half lidded eyes and parted lips he rubbed his length against her wet opening, moaning and hissing until he threw his head back and jerked his cock until he was close to ejaculating... and she watched it all. All of it from the square cut of his jaw to the V of his hips and the veins visible on his cock.

His cock. At any point but during the act, she couldn’t stand to think about something so intimate without shivering and squeezing her eyes shut to distract herself. It was strangely vindicating, to be able to observe it without reserve. He got to see her fully in the nude every time, while he himself sometimes never bothered to do more than to push the trousers off enough to fuck her.

It made her feel vulnerable, to be so exposed before someone who was fully dressed. It made her feel inferior—it made her wetter than regular things, like declarations of love and affection or gentle strokes or fingers in places where they don’t belong, things that she knew normal women liked.

Suddenly he let go. He was holding back—he liked to do that. She watched his chest rise and fall, his muscles seizing in the pleasure he’d denied himself. When he looked down he caught her watching, and in a spur of confidence she reached over to stroke him but he caught her wrist.

“Beg me,” he said, and he bit her wrist. _His eyes are so blue. His eyes are on my body._

She bit her lip. “Please...”

“Please what, pet?” he cocked one of those blond eyebrows at her and before she could respond he leaned forward and held her wrists down. It was painful, his weight holding her bony wrists down on the hard mattress. She was powerless. It felt good. “Say my name.”

“Please, Commander Smith, please fuck me,” Petra whimpered, and he locked lips with her again, she could feel his heavy breaths fanning across her cheeks and without a hand guiding him he pushed into her again, pushing in and out hard and fast and he muffled her screams of pleasure with his mouth while his own grunts made her clench tighter around him until she was on the verge of orgasm.

Suddenly he lost control of his thrusts, his pushing coming harder and faster until there was no rhythm and he was looking for nothing more than basic, physical release inside her body. He pulled away, red-faced and mussed-haired, letting her twist her fingers in his hair as he sat back on his haunches and pulled her hips on top against him, hands tight on her bony flesh, and now she could rock back against him.

Looking at Erwin's face twisted in concentration made the coil in her belly twist harder. She was already biting her lips and moaning to hold back the pleasure, and when he lost his balance and grabbed the dashboard to slam into her harder she knew she was going.

She turned her face away, eyes squeezing shut, her back arched off the bed, she bit her lip so hard she thought she’d break the skin. Her fingers dug into his thigh. When she felt him pinching her nipple she moaned loudly into the pillow that was thankfully next to her. She came, hips bucking up and down out of Erwin's rhythm until he took control and guided her to match him.

Somewhere in the back of her orgasm-frazzled mind she registered a series of short, animalistic grunts, accompanied by shallow thrusts before he suddenly pulled out and moaned long and low... Suddenly remembering the needles in her nipples she worried for a second that he would collapse on top of her and injure her; but then this was _Erwin_ and he would never.

He pushed his erection back inside her when he was finished. He was very still, except for the quivering jerks his body gave as he rode his orgasm. She felt his member twitching inside her too. As their high descended, their chests rose and fell hard.

On cue, in came the stab of guilt, the pure anger. She’d been fearing its return—but it was too late, there was no stopping it now. She was feeling disgust. She could not suppress it by squeezing her eyes closed, but she could contain it by running her fingers through his sweat-damp hair, his dripping forehead, by caressing his cheek until he took her hand and leaned against it in something that she could fool herself into thinking was affection. And then it was okay.

For now. For now, until she was back in the loneliness of the shared bunks. There was still a while for the dream to go on as there was a more to be done before they were finished with each other for the night.

He leaned over and pulled the metal out with excruciating slowness with his teeth and she moaned like a whore. It caused sweet friction on the way out, pulling her nipple taut and it fucking hurt and she such tremors inside her, it was like she already wanted him to ravage her again. And then they were out of her.

She looked down to see the blood beading out of her breasts and she shuddered.

_Oh, Mother. Father. If only you could see me now._

...and for a second she did not know whether to laugh or cry.

Before her thoughts could send her in another spiral, Erwin looked up and smiled at her as though they hadn't just fucked the rule of society, and the military, and each other senseless. “I knew you would like it. But we can't keep doing this.” He took it upon himself to reach for the cotton swabs and alcohol he always kept ready. He was depraved, he was twisted, but he was kind and considerate beyond measure. Gently, he cleaned her wounds, one hand on her waist in case she decided to attempt an escape.

For a split second her mind reeled in the fear that _this_ meant something other than the needle before she recovered. But it would bug her for the rest of the night, until she asked for reassurance that he didn't mean their arrangement, “This, what?”

“This.” He didn't gesture, with his head or his hands, as most men in her life were wont to do. It was one of her favourite things about him. His stillness, the implacable granite like countenance. So perfectly in control, both of himself and others. “It could result in a permanent injury if we aren't careful.”

“There are a number of things that can result in permanent injury in our line of work,” she pointed out.

“Those acts have a greater motive behind them, and while I enjoy this as much as you do, if not more so, it is needlessly recklessly to overdo it.”

“You spoil me rotten, and then you deprive me.” It wasn't quite an accusation. It was a fact. Whatever he did to deprive her, he did correctly. She knew that. But she was a greedy, sinful woman.

“Come on, not this,” he said, his voice distracted by his task but quite firm. But he sounded like he was talking to a spoiled child.

Chastised, she backed down in fear of spoiling the mood. “Nah, I didn't mean anything by it. I understand.”

“Good girl.” He kissed her mouth. She tasted the sweat that had gathered on his upper lip from the vigour of their passion.

Good girls don't fuck their commanding officers. They don’t drape themselves on men in dark alleys. They certainly don't let men touch them and make them moan in dark alleys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you enjoyed this.
> 
> As I put in my update this chapter went through a few edits, nothing plot-related because there really isn't much here. The next couple of chapters will take longer because it's a clumsily written story and that's why I got stuck, but I know what I'm doing now.
> 
> So yeah! Hope you like, and do let me know what you think! xx
> 
> If you do like this story you might be interested in my SW fics right here http://archiveofourown.org/works/6521509 and here http://archiveofourown.org/works/6594511 (which are also going through a massive overhaul)


	2. Equivalent Exchange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For every positive there is a negative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon me for the long break, I've been moving for purposes of higher education.  
> Isn't that exciting?
> 
> Update - Voila, nice and shiny now after my edits!

“You like this? You like sitting on my lap like this and taking it like a good girl?”

They were seated on his chair, Petra on top of Erwin facing him. He pushed up into her with exaggerated slowness, making sure his cock went all the way inside of her. She gasped with every thrust, the pain of him being buried so dee inside her whetting her pleasure. His half lidded eyes never left her face, except to take in the sight of her breasts with the metal inserted in her nipple.

This night, he clamped his teeth around one of the needles. She gasped, wrapping her hand around the back of his head in a plea for him to be careful. Delicately he tugged on it, until it slid out and she whined. He pushed it back in, just as carefully. He repeated the movement, in the motions of a slow fuck. Petra threw her head back at that same guilt-riddled mix of pleasure and the sharp pain, although she was proud that not for one moment did she feel self-conscious of the lights illuminating every inch of her body; rather, she took pleasure in it, because she knew he took pleasure in it.

“God, you feel so fucking good.”

His shirt was off; a rarity. He'd probably done in an unspoken gesture of affection out of guilt for soon having to leave her at the base for a week or so.

“You’re such a little slut, I’ll miss fucking you and making you scream,” he said with a particularly hard shove.

She felt him push the bulge of his back muscles to their limits as he began to thrust ruthlessly into her at the height of their orgasm, and she watched his body move until her eyes squeezed shut of their own will and stiffened all over and her teeth clamped over her bottom lip to contain her filthy moans. She threw her head back, spitting curses as he grunted at her tightening cunt until she finally relaxed in his arms after the scorching electricity faded out.

Immediately he pulled out, letting his warm seed spurt in the space between them with a deep moan that sent a shiver through her. Most of it fell on his abdomen, some got on her hand where it rested on his thigh.

As always, when his cock was done twitching and ejaculating, he inserted it back inside her.

She straightened out on his lap to stretch. But he kept her there, his controlling hands making her gyrate her hips to prolong his pleasure. His eyes were closed, his brow drawn tight, mouth parting in small gasps of satisfaction. She stroked his chest up to his nape and back down as he caught his breath. Watching him this way made her happy. She gave him this; he took it from her. She was happy when she felt the flush in her cheeks.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly when he saw her hand.

“No, no…” Women were made for men, her mother had told her. _We were made for their pleasure, and they exist for our comfort._ And Petra liked it. She liked having a man’s come on her skin. It was disgusting. It made her feel put to good use. A perfect symbiosis.

He ripped a tissue from the box on his desk. “Here. We’re going to have to take a break from this, too.” He

“I feel fine,” she protested, instantly knowing what he meant because she had feared it coming for a long time. She felt the beginnings of a flush at having to ask him for such a thing; but it didn't quite reach her cheeks.

“Please, I would like to keep it that way.” She felt severely rebuked; his voice wasn't firm, but it was almost there.

He'd been rough, even by his standard, tonight. It wasn't only in merciless thrusts; he'd taken less care with her preparation, he took her skin between his teeth with more pressure than necessary, the filthy words he hissed in her ear were harsher, and so she'd been wondering since they met if there was something compelling him to be this way this evening, and his terse tones confirmed it.

Dare she ask? It wouldn't matter, she knew, she would get a polite smile and a yes in reply but either way; “Are you okay?” she ventured, voice hollow in contrition—which she realised was not fair for her to feel, but to be on the verge of a scold from a man like Erwin Smith...! One was bound to feel in the wrong, no matter how innocent.

She wasn't particularly surprised when he smiled and gave her head a little stroke—a pat, like a pet—but then he sat up wordlessly and began to dress himself. Miffed, she huffed, and took it as a cue to make herself presentable and fix her hair in case someone accosted her on the way back to the female quarters.

“Hey—” he took her elbow and kissed her as she went to the door without saying goodbye, and though she still smarted from his disapproving tone she let him. “I am sorry. There's been some problem in scheduling; I know I'm acting a tad troublesome.” It wasn't quite a full explanation, but it was more than she's expected and it lifted her heart.

“Yeah,” she said in a voice she tried to make reassuring, and added with a smile, “It's alright.”

“Take care.”

“Yes, you too.”

“I'll call on you tomorrow.”

“Yeap.” You're leaving soon, don't make the gap longer than it has to be.

 

————-

 

He didn't call her at any point the next day, and to distract herself from the anxiety she felt with regard to the implications she volunteered to help with making the castle liveable, even though today was her off-duty rotation.

 

After a day spent sweeping and dusting the castle in the company of her clown teammates and a night spent among female officers who chose _this_ night in particular to cluck like hens about lovers and boyfriends, she had rather turned into Levi n. 2.

“Petra dear, you tell me so often that I shouldn't emulate Levi that you have rubbed off on me; I should be saying that to you! Look at that frowny face!” said Oluo to her the following day as she sat outside to eat breakfast and enjoy the weather. “Goodness. I'd be loathe if your skin aged prematurely and I didn’t warn you that frowning really helps set the wrinkles in.”

Petra didn’t dare ask anyone

She was already preparing herself for a second day of headache that she saw a flash of blond and large shoulders under a brown uniform out the corner of her eye, down the steps and on the other side of the rail, and her heart dropped and beat like a drum when she confirmed that was indeed Erwin. He was back at the castle within a day of absence.

The unwitty and juvenile answers she had prepared in response to Oluo’s antics flew right out of her head, and without a care for anything she jumped up and sped right towards where she thought her lover had gone; she took the stairs four at a time and hopped over the rail with a huff, down the alley, into the corridor, yes, he was right through that control room, _yes!..._

...and bumped straight into Levi.

“Oi. Careful.” Her heart was thrumming again, but this time in a streak of dread. Thankfully she hadn't made him spill his tea, so his annoyance hadn’t kicked in full thrum.

“Oh Captain!” she gasped, “I'm so sorry.” she snapped a quick salute. He waved it off.

“Yeah.”

“My apologies, sir.”

“Yeap. Go.”

“Good day, sir.”

“Yeap.”

They went about their ways, but it seemed that little interlude hadn't gone unnoticed. She rushed through the doors, and in the semi-darkness of the pathway into one of the control rooms, she was rewarded with the vision she’d been seeking.

“Excited to see me? Eh?” he said in she saw the white gleam of his teeth in the dark. She smiled back. “I’m flattered but I would prefer if you didn’t hop around and break your skull.”

“You saw that?”

“I was watching.”

“It was quicker to hop… I’m afraid you’re a difficult man to find.” she leaned back on her elbows on the closest free table, he stood with his weight on one leg, and hand in one pocket, eyeing the length of her body. She loved it, being appraised like a horse in public where anyone could walk in.

“Ah, to know you'd go to such lengths to see me.” A half smile hovered over his lips.

“You're in a good mood.”

“You look beautiful when you're annoyed.” His smile grew wider when she frowned.

“Shh!” she said, and when he stepped closer she was suddenly very conscious of her rash running to him through the throngs of people, parting the crowd, on the verge of pushing. Her mind didn't remember it at all, but the skin on the arms she used to move people held her memories. A flash of guilt made her cheeks prickle. She looked about her; certain now that somebody must have seen them and terrified, terrified of what could happen if they did!...

Suddenly his hand squeezed her arse, not gently, pulling her out of her spiral. The shrill gasp that escaped her was answered by his deep chuckle. She smacked his hand, stumbling back a few steps and gaping at his cheeky smirk.

“Someone could see us, Commander…” Also Levi is going to be back any moment. Her blood ran cold. Levi. Reticent, protective Levi

“Come to me tonight.” She paused, and in the moment of surprise stopped throwing looks of caution about her.

“Isn't tonight inauguration night?”

“I got someone to take my place at the gala.”

“Isn’t the Commander supposed to be there?”

“I do believe my replacement is better qualified nonetheless.”

“Is it smart to snub the Association this way? Who is it?” she asked, for one moment forgetting herself and giving way to the familiarity she usually suppressed. Of course it would be lovely to have him forsake the highly prestigious induction of a brand new titan research facility and museum just to be able to have another night with her... but it was an important event, and he was an important person, and her sense of duty was more forbidding to her than... things that were less forbidding but shouldn't be.

“Someone.”

Before she could insist, he picked her up by the back of her thighs and they instinctively locked around his hips. Turning her to the wall, he pressed his long body against her. She hissed inwardly when she felt him, ready and erect, perfectly lined up with her opening.

“Come to me in an hour,” he whispered.

“Yes,” she whispered, dizzy with anticipation. He felt so large against her, it made her head swim.

He dropped a swift kiss on her head and walked away. But the thought of the Association nagged her. He clearly thought it safe, so she did her best to suppress her worry to go about her work as normal in double time—to be able to let him fuck her properly without having to think about what she’d left undone.

 

————————————

 

These brats were fucking nasty. They left all their shitty underwear hanging around the place, stubbed cigarettes in the goddamn kitchen, fucking used condoms for display on bathroom counters...!

It wasn't like he couldn't have guessed how filthy they were before the debacle that had caused him to enter the new recruits’ barracks, but by god, having all his fears affirmed in the course of a single day was pushing it too far, and that's saying something for someone of Levi's highest shits of luck.

On top of that Hanji had requested Erwin to let Levi accompany her to the inauguration of the science museum. And of course, that was when his only white, spotless cravat had decided to play hooky on him.

“Don't wait for me if I'm not back on time,” he said simply. They were already saddling horses outside by the time he'd woken up and come out of the commander's quarters after a night spent drooling on his armchair covered over his day-old uniform only by a borrowed, itchy standard issue blanket.

“But Levi—”

“Don't wait for me.”

Clearly, everything was determined to be pulling vanishing acts on him, so why not him too?

He dismissed the mild feeling that he was being unfair to Hanji by bailing because of his personal stupidities.

His last night's fuck bailed on him before he could blink, his goddamn breakfast did its damnedest to crawl up his throat after last night's compulsive binge drinking—one more, just one more, he recalled thinking as his pretty little fuck twirled her hair and touched his knee—his dumb cravat was God knows where...! So he made up his mind; even if he did happen to find that little white shit, he will hide somewhere to peacefully wait out until she is forced through the gates by responsible, punctual adults... and then he will get shitfaced.

Yeap yeap. And he will get shitfaced again, and find some pretty young newbie who wouldn't run after something so little as vomit on her shoes, and fuck her because he needed to get his rocks off.

Only a little vomit had landed on her, anyway, he mulled. And it wasn't even his! yet of course he was being punished for it, because that's just how his life ran, and although by some miracle he'd managed to hold his own in. To be fair, he thought he should have normally been the one to run out at the first sign of vomiting, but he was too desperate to get himself inside any cunt to care. It's been months. It's been literal, endless fucking months.

For fuck's sake. She was real pretty, too. A helmet of silky strawberry hair, green eyes and a lovely, straight nose. Small, just how he liked them. The shy, gentle type. Real flattered when Levi of the Scouting Regimen approached her.

He was not looking forward to coming across that girl ever again. In all likelihood, he probably wouldn't; the Scouting Regiment was a big world, full of people... and places... and—

 _Erwin found me in the bar passed out drunk again._ His eyes flashed open when he remembered. _And then took me to his room._ Maybe that's where he left the shitty little cravat. He also suddenly remembered with some embarrassment that Erwin chided him... He'd been pissed out of his mind. Aroused, angry, and drunk as all hell; he laughed as he remembered what Erwin had said—a startling, barking sound of a laugh that sent a band of nearby Scouts skittering away. Heartened somewhat by the lightness of his thoughts, he sped up his step.

 _You can’t mess this up, Levi,_ Erwin had said with that sharp glint in his blue eyes. _Just keep in mind that this isn’t a punishment. This is_ important _. That’s why I’m sending you._

He considered not ditching Hanji. Maybe. But then he'd need to get someone to come to him in a camping site and that was always bound to be extra uncomfortable and difficult to clean up. _Ugh,_ maybe it was just better if he did skip out after all. It's not like he was needed at all, in perfect honesty. In fact, his absence might even be appreciated by most.

“Come in!”

He thought he heard a muffled squeak from behind the door. “Erwin!?” He frowned in confusion before throwing the door open

“Hey, Erwin—” He threw the door open. His head swum at the sight. “Have you seen my...” he heard himself trail off, unable to find his words. Maybe his heart had stopped beating.

“Oh God! Captain!” gasped a half dressed Petra from Erwin’s lap.

 _There’s my cravat,_ he thought when he spotted a white piece of shit peeking out from behind the bottle on Erwin’s desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quality of writing may fluctuate; I am still rather busy with getting settled in. I apologise in advance, and I promise I will fix it as soon as I my head is right on my shoulders again.  
> Here's a funny story for you. I received an absolutely lovely comment on the previous chapter referring to the story as a BDSM story and my mind went straight to 50 Shades, and I, being the idiot I am, huffed. "BDSM, hah!". In truth, I saw the word "BDSM" as interchangeable with 50 Shades for some reason. It's not. I happened to scroll up a second later and I saw my tags... "Sadism" and "Masochism"... And the content. Where even was my head, that I didn't even think of the word!? It was a second of madness and I saw the truth then like a flash of light; and now here we are! I can openly admit to myself this IS a BDSM story, and there's nothing flat (i hope) and silly and 50-Shadesy about this. (My apologies to those who like Fifty Shades. I'm sorry, but I don't. And yes I'm not just saying that, I did actually pick it up and try to read it.) Minus maybe the abuse... which will come, I assure you. If that is not your thing, we must part ways now, and godspeed to you!  
> Also, I'd like to say thank you ever so much to the people who left kudos/comments/bookmarks! From the bottom of my heart, I am grateful. I won't drop the fic in any case, but attention on here certainly has a way to motivate. I honestly was expecting nothing at first, I was simply blowing off steam with this story because I am angry with the world and myself; I am an angry, sad, twisted person, and I am still doubtful about spreading my rubbish on the internet for innocent people to see, but well.  
> 


	3. An Unexpected Guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't you know you shouldn't stare?

These brats were nauseating. They left all their shitty underwear hanging around the place, stubbed cigarettes in the goddamn kitchen, damn _used condoms_ for display on bathroom counters...!

It wasn't like he couldn't have guessed how filthy they were before the debacle that had caused him to enter the new recruits’ barracks, but by god, having all his fears affirmed in the course of a single day was pushing it too far, and that's saying something for someone of _his_ highest shits from Lady Luck.

On top of that Hanji had requested Erwin to make Levi accompany her to the inauguration of the science museum, which was half a day’s ride from where they made camp. And of course, that was when his only white, spotless cravat had decided to play hooky on him. It’s why he’d visited the newbie barracks, to look for his cravat and give last second instructions to squads preparing for an expedition soon.

“Don't wait for me if I'm not back on time,” he said shortly. Erwin was allowed to skip, so why not him too? They were already saddling horses outside by the time he'd woken up and scrambled out of the commander's quarters after a night spent drooling on his armchair covered in his day-old uniform and only a borrowed, itchy standard issue blanket.

“But Levi—”

“Don't wait for me.” He pointed a finger behind him as he left, as if to say _sit down and obey._ He couldn’t blame himself for his mood. It was all Erwin’s fault. He’d backed out and reiterated everyone’s schedule in the last second, for whatever reason Mr. I’m God knew.

Clearly, everything was determined to be pulling vanishing acts on him, so why not him too?

He dismissed the mild feeling that he was being unfair to Hanji by bailing because of his personal stupidities.

Last night's fuck bailed on him before he could blink, his goddamn breakfast did its damnedest to crawl up his throat after all the compulsive binge drinking—one more, just one more, he recalled thinking as his pretty little fuck twirled her hair and touched his knee—his dumb cravat was God knows where...! So he made up his mind; even if he did happen to find that little white shit, he will hide somewhere to peacefully wait out until Hanji had no choice but to leave without him like a responsible, punctual adult... and then he will get shitfaced.

Yes _sir_. He will get shitfaced, and find some pretty young newbie who wouldn't run after something so little as vomit on her shoes, and fuck her because he needed to get his rocks off.

It was only a little vomit on her shoes, anyway... And it wasn't even his! And yet, of course he was punished for it, because that's just how his life ran. By some miracle he'd managed to hold his own in until later that evening. To be fair, he would have normally been the one to run out at the first sign of vomiting, but he was too desperate to get himself inside any cunt to care. It's been months. It's been literal, endless fucking months.

He could almost spit at the memory of her. She was real pretty, with a helmet of silky strawberry hair, green eyes and a lovely, straight nose. Small, just how he liked them. The shy, gentle type. Real flattered when _Captain Levi_ approached her.

After the way she’d looked at him, he did _not_ looking forward to to coming across that girl ever again. He’d have to find another watering hole… In all likelihood, he probably wouldn't; the Scouting Regiment was a big world, full of people... and places... and—

 _Erwin found me in the bar passed out drunk again._ His eyes flashed open when he remembered. _And then took me to his quarters._ Maybe that's where he left the shitty little cravat. He also suddenly remembered with some embarrassment that Erwin chided him... He'd been pissed out of his mind himself. Aroused, angry, and drunk as all hell; he’d laughed Erwin had said something that sounded funny—it was a startling, barking sound of a laugh that sent a band of nearby Scouts skittering away. Lightened by the memory of the somewhat positive turn of last night’s disaster, guilt peaked at him for considering abandoning Hanji. He sped up his step.

 _You can’t mess this up, Levi,_ Erwin had said with that sharp glint in his blue eyes. _Just keep in mind that this isn’t a punishment. This is_ important _. That’s why I’m sending you._

His heart fell a little—Erwin didn’t need to say it quite like that. But the fact that Levi was… less than dependable, when it came to matters relating to people, was simply a fact.

Maybe it was just better if he did skip out after all. It's not like he was needed at all. In fact, his absence might even be appreciated by most.

He knocked at Erwin’s door. His mind was still glazed by the shallow thrumming of a hangover, so he paid no mind to the muffled moans from behind the door. 

“Come in!”

He thought he heard a muffled squeak from behind the door. “Erwin!?”

Frowning in confusion he threw the door open and entered without thinking.

“Hey, Erwin—” A small form with auburn hair, clad in brown and naked from the waist, sat on top of a dishevelled Erwin, whose shirt had been unbuttoned to the sternum, and trousers pushed down mid-thigh. Levi’s head swum. “Have you seen my...” He trailed off; maybe his heart stopped beating.

“Oh God! Captain!” gasped Petra from Erwin’s lap.

She was such a small person. Like a little bird. She looked even tinier in Erwin's arms. She tried to unwrapped him from herself and scramble back into the bed, probably to cover her body with Erwin’s standard issue sheets.

He was a simple man. He was content with the same government issues of his men. He was a respectable man.

But not so respectable that he would let her get away from him. His hands clamped on her arms, his legs twisted around to overpower hers and keep her locked in place, on display for Levi.

“Commander…!” she pleaded.

“Levi,” he greeted warmly as though Levi hadn't walked in on him fucking Levi’s only female subordinate.

“God, Erwin, I don’t believe you,” she squeaked as she continued to struggle. She didn’t stand a chance against a man his size. The full heat of his gaze snapped on Erwin.

He really was having the shittiest twenty-four hours of his life. _There’s my cravat,_ he thought when he spotted a white piece of shit peeking out from behind the bottle on Erwin’s desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All fixed up after massssive revamping!
> 
> I couldn't bring myself to delete the chapter and repost it because I'd lose my comments though T.T
> 
> Please do leave me some comments! Feedback is so so important to us writers


	4. Deceptive Airs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know when people sometimes just shock you?
> 
> Yeah, that's how it's gonna be.

_This isn't happening, this isn't happening_. A severe reprimand brewed under Levi's stony mask of confusion. She turned her face away, burying it in Erwin’s chest where his shirt was unbuttoned; if she couldn’t see him, it couldn’t sting her.

“Erwin.” It was a single word, dripping so thickly with menace and warning that even Erwin, on the receiving end, wavered. But flicking his hair away from his forehead, he recovered.

“Levi,” matched Erwin right back.

“What is going on?” said Levi. His expression changed from blank shock to complete confusion, as though he’d landed in some strange alternate universe where nothing made sense.

Petra was just as puzzled. He hadn’t looked at her once. What was going on here indeed? It was surreal, as if she’d stepped into a dream and she was going to wake up any second.

“Shouldn’t you be with Hanji?” Erwin asked, voice casual as ever.

“Yes,” said Levi. “Yes, I should. I was looking for my cravat.” His eyes pointedly went to his cravat, as if saying, _give it to me so I can leave. Bastard._

“There you go!” Erwin said, a smile in his voice as he reached over to grab it and toss it at him.

“Thanks.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Without a word or a salute, he darted back from the door and slammed it

“What the fuck just happened?” Petra asked with eyes wide as they would go. For an answer, Erwin jerked off her jacket and unbuttoned her shirt. She gasped and grabbed his head with both hands to make him pause.

She’d been shocked out of her arousal. All day the heat had been simmering within her, the wrongness of their clandestine meetings ruining her underwear with warmth and wetness.

“Erwin…” He continued to suck on her nipple, sending ripples through her body with a deep growl as his strong hands ground her hips against his. But she felt nothing, nothing but the tumult of anxiety and confusion.

“Erwin!—“

“Yes, yes? What?” he whispered. He looked up at her with eyes half lidded and face flushed in arousal. He was still hard. He pushed ground up into her—she wanted to run.

“What the fuck Erwin?”

“What, baby? What?” He sounded so casual. He sounded so _awful_. It was like a different person had been in the room when Levi appeared and mumbled something before disappearing. She pulled harder at her wrists to make him release her. Over and over again her mind played out how it would go when she faced Levi again. God, how would she look at him? What was he thinking right now?

How much had he seen?

Tears pricked at her eyes.

All of a sudden, he growled. “Enough!” His fingers twisted in her hair and snapped her head back. He surged to his feet, taking her with him, and hoisting her up to his desk so he had her tightly under lock under his body. By now, from all the fumbling and fighting, his erection had slipped out of her—she could feel its heavy heat against her thigh, still hard as steel, while her own arousal had waned before she realised.

“The fuck—the—what…? I don’t understand what’s happening,” Petra ground out through her teeth as she tried to push him off of her.

“What’s happening?” The suddenly formal tone in his voice made her pause. She stopped struggling. The way he was looking down at her… It was like cold fingers running up her spine and paralysing her. Looking up at him was worse than listening to him; the filtered sunlight of his quarters gave his cheekbones the sharpness of a knife, it made his blue eyes glint with a feral heat, his normally generous mouth was tight with some feeling and it made her heart _drop._ “What?” he snapped again when she stared up at him in silence, and he shook her shoulders hard.

“Are you kidding me?” Her voice was a hoarse plea, barely rising above a whisper.

“I am absolutely not kidding you, Petra. Stay still.” _No._ Petra wanted to scream. She just wanted to get away. She couldn’t stand his touch. His erection prodded at her entrance, trying to push in. She bit her lips against the burning friction, squeezing her eyes shut.

He huffed when this went nowhere. “You’re not wet enough.”

“No shit,” she bit back, voice still hoarse. She tried to push at him again, but he seized her wrists and pinned them above her head.

All shit on his desk that got in the way of their obscene fuck clattered away, something plastic even dropping on the floor with a light click. He didn’t care—his eyes swept over her heaving chest, with the exposed breasts, the tight stomach expanding and contracting from the exertion of trying to fight him before coming back to gaze into her eyes.

“Hush, now. You have to relax for me, Petra.” Upon hearing this, words from a century ago flashed back to her mind. Blue eyes, but different ones. Brown hair that reached his brow. _Relax, Petra. Or it won’t be good._

She felt Erwin’s erection again, pressing warmly at the inside of her thigh. She felt his breath on her neck. He bent his head close to her to kiss her, and she wanted to pull away but Petra was completely helpless with her arms pinned up. He pressed his lips to hers. When she was unresponsive, he snickered, and his mouth was at her breast again, sucking and licking until her nipple was hard and a moan escaped her. He snickered again.

“God, you’re a real slut…”

As if under a spell, she breathed easier. Her thighs slackened, no longer trying to push his hips away, thoughts of male bodies and filthy acts swum around her mind again. She wanted to throw up. She wanted to kick herself, bruise her skin and ruin it, cut off her own hair so men would stop looking at her, so she would stop wanting men to look at her.

Or did she?

_I am a slut._

He shoved into her, making sure it hurt when he pushed all the way in without a warning. She gasped at the feeling, the pleasure and the pain.

Gaining pace he was forced to let go of her wrists to grab her hips to push and pull harder against her body, biting his lips and grunting as if he couldn’t help himself. With her freed hands she twisted her fingers in his air, and dug her nails into his arse to make him go faster.

“You’re a whore,” he spat. “Say it, Petra, tell me exactly what you want.”

 “Faster,” she begged. She couldn’t bring herself to say more, and she thanked him silently for not insisting. She didn’t want to think. He bent over her, groaning into the table next to her as he fucked her.

“God, you’re fucking wet,” he hissed into her ear. “Say it, tell me how much you want this.”

“I want this,” she answered helplessly. “I want you to fuck me, Erwin. Fuck me harder!”

“How did it feel? Did you like it when Levi walked in here?” Her cunt tightened, her eyes flew open. She heard his voice again as she stared at the ceiling, lost in the feeling of her sex being filled up again and again by his cock, lost in her thoughts and her own sounds of pleasure as they got heavier and harder to control.

_Yes. Yes I liked it, I wish he were here to watch me right now._ His dark, dark eyes, how he looked when she turned around and he recognised her, how stunned he stood by the door, not making a sound or a move to indicate any intention and simply waiting for Erwin to direct him to the cravat he’d wanted.

He moaned and laughed, fucking her harder still as if he could hear her thoughts and feel her insides seize at the mention of what had happened. “You liked it. You’re thinking about it. Think about what could have been…” The sound of his flesh hitting hers filled the room, their moans and grunts rising in a crescendo of obscenity that enveloped her like a warm blanket, protecting her from thoughts of the world.

“Erwin,” she breathed. “Erwin, I’m gonna come.”

“Come for me,” he murmured against her ear. That did it. Her back arched off her table, pressing her nipples against his chest, her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth opened in a withheld scream as she let the demon take her.

_Levi._ “Oh, _God_!” she breathed as the flashes took over her, making her insides coil and contract with a searing heat she had never felt before, not even when he’d introduced her to the insertion of needles inside her nipples. This wasn’t some toy, some artificial simulation. It was deeper, something inside her wanting to come out and express to the world, _Look at me. I want you to see me now, as I am._

Pushing back against his thrusts she rode her orgasm, moaning and gasping in tandem with him. Suddenly he pulled out, stroking the swollen, flushed tip of his cock until his orgasm followed soon after, more intense than ever if his low, prolonged animalistic grunt and the spastic thrusts were anything to go by. His come spurt out of the swollen head of his cock to land on her stomach—the feeling of the sticky heat hitting her was almost enough to wet her cunt again. His expression twisted in a concentration of fury, and pain, as if his pleasure were burning through his body like fire.

Spent, he slumped into his chair, head falling over the backrest. His eyes were closed, he breathed heavily through his mouth. She was still watching him when he opened his eyes again to look at her.

Their gazes met, but the way he quickly looked away seemed to scoop something out of her chest. What did it mean, the unexpected reluctance in his manners?

Still catching his breath, he snatched a bunch of tissues from the pack on his desk and wiped away his seed from her stomach. Petra would have almost made a sound of disappointment—the recovery, with her skin soiled by sticky, masculine heat, was the simplest pleasure of her life. It was a quiet experience that made her feel she should want for nothing else. But he wouldn’t look at her, no matter how much she tried to catch his eye. He didn’t say a word, while usually he’d help her keep calm merely by smiling and speaking, even if he didn’t know what he was doing.

As the high faded, mute terror replaced it. It wasn’t mere guilt that it left behind this time. It wasn’t anger, or regret, or vindication. It was _nothing._ It was a nightmare.

His voice was oddly faint when he finally spoke, as they both dressed themselves with their backs turned. “You can use my shower if you want...”

“It’s fine,” Petra said. If he was offended by her dismissiveness, he didn’t let it show. But he paused before answering, so even he couldn’t deny there was something different in the air.

“Alright, then.”

She left without sparing him a glance. All the way through the corridors, down the flights of stairs and up another set, the trepidation inhibited her. People greeted her. She couldn’t look at them; she was stuck seeing a dark gaze in her mind’s eye.

Petra couldn’t imagine how she must look and smell, after the grinding, the fucking, the fighting, and the semen. She felt as though she needed to scrub her skin, scrub it raw to remove all evidence. People knew; they could smell, they could see. They were smiling in her face and laughing in her back. Her mind flashed to Erwin and the unexpected way he’d reacted to Levi, the strange disquiet with which he treated her when he finished…

Two steps away from the barracks her feet changed course and she sprinted to the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go, after nearly two years I've made a real update!
> 
> Some of you may have been following the story, so I will say this--the plot doesn't change in a major way, even though it may look like it. I just improved the pacing, a lot.
> 
> Please do leave me some comments! Good, bad, neutral; whatever I get, I'm happy. I wanna know what you're thinking, you're important to me!


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